Tag Archives: funny

R. Kelly is a legend.

27 Mar

R. Kelly – Trapped In The Closet: Chapter 1 (lyrics)

Seven o’clock in the morning
And the rays from the sun wakes me.
I’m stretchin’ and yawnin’,
In a bed that don’t belong to me.
And a voice yells, “Good morning, darlin”, from the bathroom,
Then she comes out and kisses me,
And to my surprise, she ain’t you.

Now, I’ve got this dumb look on my face.
Like, what have I done?
How could I be so stupid to be have laid here ’til the morning sun?
Must have lost the track of time.
Oh, what was on my mind?
From the club, went to her home.
Didn’t plan to stay that long!

Here I am, quickly tryin’ to put on my clothes,
Searching for my car keys,
Tryin’ to get on up out the door,
Then she stretched her hands in front of it,
Said, “You can’t go this way.”
Looked at her, like she was crazy,
Said, “Woman, move out my way.”
Said, “I got a wife at home.”
She said, “Please, don’t go out there.”
“Lady, I’ve got to get home…”
She said, her husband was comin’ up the stairs

“Shh, shh, quiet…
Hurry up and get in the closet”
She said, “Don’t you make a sound,
Or some shit is going down.”
I said, “Why don’t I just go out the window?”
“Yes, except for one thing, we on the 5th floor.”
“Shit – think. Shit – think. Shit, quick, put me in the closet.”
And now, I’m in this darkest closet, tryin’ to figure out
Just how I’m gonna get my crazy ass up out this house.

Then he walks in and yells, “I’m home.”
She says, “Honey, I’m in the room.”
He walks in there with a smile on his face,
Sayin’, “Honey, I’ve been missin’ you.”
She hops all over him,
And says, “I’ve cooked and ran your bath water,”
I’m tellin’ you now, this girl’s so good that she deserves an Oscar.

Throws her in the bed,
And start to snatchin’ her clothes off,
I’m in the closet, like man, what the fuck is going on?
You’re not gonna believe it,
But things get deeper as the story goes on,
Next thing you know, a call comes through on my cell phone,
I tried my best to quickly put it on vibrate,
But from the way he act, I could tell it was too late.
He hopped up and said, “There’s a mystery going on –
And I’m gonna solve it.”
And I’m like, “God please, don’t let this man open this closet.”

He walks in the bathroom,
And looks behind the door.
She says, “Baby, come back to bed.”
He says, “Bitch, say no more.”
He pulls back the shower curtain,
While she’s biting her nails.
Then he walks back to the room,
Right now, I’m sweating like hell.
Checks under the bed,
Then under the dresser,
He looks at the closet,
I pull out my Baretta.
He walks up to the closet,
He goes up to the closet,
Now he’s at the closet,
Damn, he’s opening the closet…

Take care! CS. x

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Harry Potter and the Must-Lose-A-Few Stone

23 Jan

We ran a poll on our Facebook page (which – casual plug – you can like here). The poll asked:

If you could do one thing this year, what would it be?

Three guesses what the response was – particularly considering the title.

BECOME A WIZARD.

Yeah, that’s right. The majority of our readers want 2013 to be the year they turn into a wizard. Somehow, we need to turn this into a blog post. I figured that the best way to go about this would be to give you ten top weight loss tips, Rowling-style. Let’s see how this goes…

Harry’s let himself go a bit! – All rights to adventuresofadamnfool.com

  1. Don’t cut out all the food you enjoy. In the wizarding world, takeaway is easy to order. All you’ve got to do is tickle a pear in a portrait, and you have unlimited access to the kitchen. I recommend you save up your calories. I’d say put them in Gringotts, but you might end up ‘goblin’ anyway…
  2. Take your quill and everlasting ink and write everything down.  It’s only if you write things down that you know what you are doing. I’m not saying that you can’t have that eighth chocolate frog, but you’re only really aware of what you’re eating when you see it in front of you.
  3. I find sticking a wedding invitation or holiday photograph of places you’d like to apparate to in your best dress robes in the kitchen. All the motion in the photographs will get the photographic you slim, even if you don’t.
  4. Use scales in the kitchen – before you stick a whole bezoar down your throat, bear in mind that you can trick yourself with the amount of stuff you’re sticking in your potion. Weight it out for accurate measurements!
  5. I think it is a good idea to buy some new robes when you are down a size or two. That way, you are reminded of what you have achieved and not to go back to old sizes. Chuck out the old stuff or give it away.

    Herp. All rights go to henrypq.com

    Herp. All rights go to henrypq.com

  6. Life is too short so build in treats! Have that glass of butterbeer or some acid pops and fizzy slugs, but remember that moderation is key.
  7. Be honest with yourself. Don’t go all Nearly Headless Nick every time you go over your calorie count, but your average calorie intake is important. Don’t to too Severe-us on yourself!
  8. It’s not transfiguration or sitting your N.E.W.Ts, but exercise  with sustained weight loss is the key to the Winged Key to sustained weight loss. It’s not difficult – pick up your broom and play some Quidditch, go digging for some mandrakes or save an entire planet from Voldemort if you want. As long as you’re sweating, you’re doing something!
  9. Always measure alcohol consumed at home carefully, as it is easy to fool yourself. 10 units of alcohol a night equals 10 points from Griffindor.
  10. Don’t ever give up! Harry never gave up, and we’ve all read how crappily-ever-after his life turned out ‘Nineteen Years Later’!

(adapted from the original tips from weightlossresources.co.uk)

ABOVE ALL, don’t be a Moaning Myrtle and do something about your diet. Be pro-active, pro-muggle and pro-House-elf rights. It’s like Dumbledore said:

It’s our choices, Harry that shows who we truly are far more than our abilities.

Many thanks to Ash Northall, Blythe Buttery, Ryan Egan, Clemsta A-Reiff and Rhea Smith for allowing this post to happen.

Take care. CS. x