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R. Kelly is a legend.

27 Mar

R. Kelly – Trapped In The Closet: Chapter 1 (lyrics)

Seven o’clock in the morning
And the rays from the sun wakes me.
I’m stretchin’ and yawnin’,
In a bed that don’t belong to me.
And a voice yells, “Good morning, darlin”, from the bathroom,
Then she comes out and kisses me,
And to my surprise, she ain’t you.

Now, I’ve got this dumb look on my face.
Like, what have I done?
How could I be so stupid to be have laid here ’til the morning sun?
Must have lost the track of time.
Oh, what was on my mind?
From the club, went to her home.
Didn’t plan to stay that long!

Here I am, quickly tryin’ to put on my clothes,
Searching for my car keys,
Tryin’ to get on up out the door,
Then she stretched her hands in front of it,
Said, “You can’t go this way.”
Looked at her, like she was crazy,
Said, “Woman, move out my way.”
Said, “I got a wife at home.”
She said, “Please, don’t go out there.”
“Lady, I’ve got to get home…”
She said, her husband was comin’ up the stairs

“Shh, shh, quiet…
Hurry up and get in the closet”
She said, “Don’t you make a sound,
Or some shit is going down.”
I said, “Why don’t I just go out the window?”
“Yes, except for one thing, we on the 5th floor.”
“Shit – think. Shit – think. Shit, quick, put me in the closet.”
And now, I’m in this darkest closet, tryin’ to figure out
Just how I’m gonna get my crazy ass up out this house.

Then he walks in and yells, “I’m home.”
She says, “Honey, I’m in the room.”
He walks in there with a smile on his face,
Sayin’, “Honey, I’ve been missin’ you.”
She hops all over him,
And says, “I’ve cooked and ran your bath water,”
I’m tellin’ you now, this girl’s so good that she deserves an Oscar.

Throws her in the bed,
And start to snatchin’ her clothes off,
I’m in the closet, like man, what the fuck is going on?
You’re not gonna believe it,
But things get deeper as the story goes on,
Next thing you know, a call comes through on my cell phone,
I tried my best to quickly put it on vibrate,
But from the way he act, I could tell it was too late.
He hopped up and said, “There’s a mystery going on –
And I’m gonna solve it.”
And I’m like, “God please, don’t let this man open this closet.”

He walks in the bathroom,
And looks behind the door.
She says, “Baby, come back to bed.”
He says, “Bitch, say no more.”
He pulls back the shower curtain,
While she’s biting her nails.
Then he walks back to the room,
Right now, I’m sweating like hell.
Checks under the bed,
Then under the dresser,
He looks at the closet,
I pull out my Baretta.
He walks up to the closet,
He goes up to the closet,
Now he’s at the closet,
Damn, he’s opening the closet…

Take care! CS. x


If I got any busier, I’d be the M1 at rush hour.

21 Mar

Chopstick here!

Honest to God, if I do any more stuff, I’m at risk of expiring. Let me give you a run-down of why there’s a frown in Becki Town:

  • The Lincoln Award – Chunks and I recently signed up to do the LA, an award which asks students to do 40+ hours of volunteering or part-time work, as well as joining workshops and undertaking training (like St. John’s Ambulance or sign-language lessons, both of which we’re interested in). That, straight away, asks us to do a lot of extra work on top of our university stuff.
  • Deadlines – I’ve got a few bits of work coming up, so I’m in the process of writing essays at the minute. They’re all fairly inaccessible  based on specialist reporting in the media and on the dislocations of society in literature. Hmm.
  • Library – (see above reasons) I’ve spent around 50-70 hours in the library this semester. Frankly, that is an unnecessary amount of bookishness.
  • Training – Because I’m looking into doing a PGCE (Post-Graduate Certificate of Education) following the completion of my second year, I’ve been doing quite a lot of extra stuff in order to make me look like a more rounded individual. This includes some extra training for:
  1. My current job with Clear Links. I work as a transcription facilitator (or note-taker, for the uninitiated) with people with disabilities, and I recently attended a training session to see whether  I have the capacity to be an examination facilitator – I essentially take notes in lectures!
  2. My new volunteering position. I recently applied to Urban Times for an editor position, ad was given a phone interview the other day on how to write for the site. One of my articles has since been published and even made it to the front page. For a read about press freedom, click here.
This is me at the minute... Full of traffic. (source: Highways Agency / Flickr)

This is me at the minute… Full of traffic. (source: Highways Agency / Flickr)

There’s seems to be little and less time in the day for relaxing, but the fact I can write a blog today suggests that things are beginning to slow up which is particularly good news. Hopefully, I’ll come to you next Thursday with a more interesting, less listy blog for you to read.


Take care, CS. x

Live in Pride with our Survival Guide – Part 3: Getting Out

8 Mar

Chopstick here!

Everybody recognises the traditional stereotype of the new student – s/he is often poor, used to eating more pasta than your average Italian and spends 75% of his/her time totally wasted. Here at ‘Chopstick and Chunks’, we appreciate a good drink. However, we also appreciate being safe and staying classy. Here’s a few tips on how to survive university nights without coming home in a daze.

  1. Budget. One of the worst things you could possibly do when you go out to drink with your friends is not have an idea of how much you’re going to spend. Once, I went out with my mates with no budget in mind and spent £200 on drinking – I had no money left and I wasn’t drunk. It’s not smart, and it’s certainly not a good way to behave when that money is there to keep you fed.
  2. Make arrangements to travel home. Yes, there is a certain level of paranoia when I warn you this, but be aware – we often hear horror stories about things happening to those who wander around at night, drunk. It’s just not safe. Plan to come home with your friends at a certain time, and if you decide you want to stay out later, make sure someone knows where you are.
  3. The 2:1 ratio. Your aim is to get drunk, correct? Your aim is also to be a good student. If you want to drink with friends but still be in a fit state to get up and go to university the following morning, I recommend you follow the 2:1 rule – for every two drinks you have, drink 1 pint of water. You won’t get off-your-face drunk, you can maintain some dignity and often safe yourself some money.
  4. Take a spare… Everything. I’ve heard a heap of stories about students losing keys, wallets, cameras, tights – you name it, we’ve probably lost it. On a night out, you should consider withdrawing your budgeted money and leave the debit card at home – it saves you getting out more cash and it saves you losing your card. You should put this money in a spare wallet that you carry with you on a night out – I know I’d rather lose a bit of money and a wallet than all of my cards and favourite purse. If you can – even though it’ll probably make you look less cool – get a cheap phone to take with you that isn’t your main phone. Put everything on a lanyard and tie it to your knickers/bra/boxers.
  5. Be safe. You know what I mean. According to statistics from the Health Protection Agency, 285,870 people have been diagnosed with an STI in the last 10 years. That’s a lot of wibbly junk. Always wear a condom!

Keep it wrapped, chaps.

Take care. CS. x

COMBI-BLOG – We won an Award! Thank You!

7 Mar

Chopstick and Chunks here! Again!

Chunks: For the second time, here’s another ‘Chopstick and Chunks’ combi-blog. Firstly we would like to thank SociopathiCuttlefish for the wonderful nomination – he gave us this.You should check out the blog, it’s rather good. We would also like to thank our parents for this award. Without them we wouldn’t be here, obviously. Just a note – we’re thanking our parents separately; Chopstick and I are not related.

Chopstick: Like any award, this one came with some rules. Though not as ridiculous as the rules set out by the Grammy organisers, mind – no boobs? No kidding. BOOBS EVERYWHERE! Ahem. So, the rules:

You are required to thank the person who nominated you, answer the 11 questions they have asked you, nominate 11 other people and ask them 11 questions in return. According to the guidelines the Liebster award should be sent to bloggers with less than 200 followers so that new bloggers can see how awesome they are!

Please be aware that the number of followers indicated in our ‘Follow’ button to the right aren’t indicative of blog followers – they’re mostly from our collective Twitter feeds. I think we currently have <15 followers? Anyway, the questions are as follows.

Why did you start blogging?

  • Chunks: I think it was one of those spur of the moment things, we were bored and thought fuck it.
  • Chopstick: Speak for yourself. I initially wanted to start up another blog because my other one is too serious; on here, I can rant. I also wanted to use this as a weight-loss discussion platform, but that sort of died. Instead, I’m happy with this.

Why did you choose WordPress?

  • Chunks: It was the platform we were most familiar with, Chopstick had her Learnolism blog on here. It seemed the easiest thing to do.
  • Chopstick: I picked WordPress because it’s a lot easier and a lot more interactive for use. Plus, BlogSpot sucked…

How do you see your life in 10 years?

  • Chunks: Honestly? At the moment I’m not sure, we had a lecture about going into teaching the other day which threw us into battle stations but teaching sounds good to me. I’d really like to do it with deaf kids but I need to learn sign language first. Dayumm.
  • Chopstick: I’ll undoubtedly be up the duff. In seriousness, I imagine I’ll be a teacher. I’ve wanted to teach for years!

What is your favourite talent?

  • Chunks: I assume you mean a talent of my own? Uh, not sure I have a talent per se. I can make this weird noise when I push air around my mouth I guess.
  • Chopstick: My favourite talent? Hm. I’d have to say I’m proud of my ability to work people up into a hyperactive frenzy. Is that a talent?

Pizza or pasta?

  • Chunks: Pasta – much more versatile.
  • Chopstick: Definitely pizza. BBQ pizza. Feel free to deliver one to me right now, actually.

Who’s your favourite blogger?

  • Chunks: Typical Blogger or can it be a Vlogger? I tend to watch Vlogs more at the moment. So i’ll go with that one – Uh, Hank and John Green me thinks.
  • Chopstick: My favourite blogger has to be the woman who runs this. Anyone who can commit to this type of lifestyle has to be dedicated, especially after a hard break-up.

What’s your favourite blog post?

  • Chunks: Post that we’ve written or…?  I’ll go with favorite post of ours. At the moment i’m quite fond of the Uni guide posts we’re working on, not only are they pretty fun to write, they’re also useful.
  • Chopstick: If we’re going for favourite posts of ours, I would have to say that my favourite blog on here is the one where Chunks talks about our NSFW Brit Awards blog. It was excellent.

When does the Narwhal bacon?

  • Chunks: At Midnight, but I much prefer Giraffes over Narwhals….
  • Chopstick: At Midnight, obviously. (REDDIT!)

What’s your favourite recent memory?

  • Chunks: Hmm a tough-y. I think it would probably have to be when Chopstick and myself were watching Top Gear. Her TV is right in front of the window and it was foggy outside. A police car drove by and we just saw the lights – which is odd, it’s never happened before. But I then got the image in my head of a police man coming out of the fog and pressing his face into the window in a “Here’s Johnnny!” type of moment. Cue laughing for a solid 10 minutes. Also a little side note: I can’t even remember how we got to that conclusion…
  • Chopstick: Yesterday, Chunks and I were discussing presentation techniques. Let’s just say, her performance is improved if she runs around in a circle, yelling “SNIFF MY FINGERS!” (IDST).

What tips would you give to other bloggers?

  • Chunks: Don’t give up with it, I must have started at least 10 blogs in the past, and only really stuck with this one and my tumblrs. Even if you don’t have all that many followers/readers or whathaveyou, the audience will likely grow in a while there’s always someone else interested in the same things as you. As Jason Nesmith says in Galaxy Quest (Awesome film by the way):

“Never give up… Never surrender!”

  • Chopstick: I agree with Chunk’s advice. I’d also recommend posting 1001 pictures of adorable cats. 


Now, here’s the eleven questions we want our eleven bloggers to answer.

  1. We all live in a ______. What is the missing word?
  2. I used to be a blogging adventurer like you, but then I took an arrow in the sorely-overused meme. Where did this meme come from?
  3. If you could list 5 things you’d never blog about, what would they be?
  4. Why blogging and not vlogging?
  5. Tell us a secret your parents don’t know about you.
  6. Can you use Chopsticks to pick up Chunks?
  7. If you could have a meal with any three people living or dead, who would they be?
  8. Is Paul dead?
  9. Coke or Pepsi?
  10. What’s number one on your bucket list?
  11. Nick Cage as Everyone: what’s your favourite?

And our tags. (Nicking some from Learnolism too.)






Live in Pride with our Survival Guide! – Part 1: What to bring?

5 Mar

Chopstick here!

Recently, we had a friend come to Lincoln for the day as he’s due to start university here with us next year. We were discussing things that, as a new university student, you should be aware of. There are so many things to list that it actually became impossible to keep track of all the things that were going on. As a result, we’re going to post a few lists over the next couple of days which – if you’re planning on going to university this year – you should really keep in mind.

This will be you in your first university week!

To bring:

  •  Spare bedding – Blankets, duvets, pillows and under-sheets. If you get wasted during Freshers and you vomit all over your only set of sheets, you will not be a happy bunny.
  • Tin openers – Some houses supply them, some don’t. However, if you intend to buy cheap foods, many of the cans don’t have ring-pulls – thus, need for tin opener. Beware!
  • Wet wipes – What if your shower packs up working? What if you need  to get clean quick but don’t have time to shower? What if you’re getting intimate and need a quick wash? All these ‘what if’s can be solved with a wet wipe.
  • All your important documents – when you first enroll into university, chances are you’re going to need some key documents. Include your birth certificate, a bank statement from the last three months and all your housing documentation. You may not want it, but you’ll probably need it. When travelling to university, it would also be wise to bring it up in the car with you!
  • Stationary – During the first week of uni, all of the good stuff gets snapped up. Get it early!
  • Stamps – They sound like an unnecessary thing, but they last forever and sending off forms becomes vastly easier when you have stamps to hand.
  • Food – Fresher’s Week wipes out the supermarkets and clogs up the roads, so you aren’t going to want to go shopping for a tonne of food when you’ve spent all day unpacking. At the least, bring pasta, bread, milk and butter.
  • Alcohol – It can be awkward meeting new people for the first time. As soon as you start drinking, you don’t need to worry about awkwardness.
  • Basic tools – This can range from person to person, but I’ve found bringing an Allan key, a flat-headed screw driver, Blutak, lightbulbs and sellotape to be the most effective kit.
  • Washing-up liquid and toilet roll – Many houses share these products, but you can’t be presumptuous; strangers might not want to share their necessities.

There are so many things people use to bring to university with them that they consider an essential, it’s difficult to compile an accurate list! For more information – or a To Do List – for when you get there, read Chunk’s post here.


Take care! CS. c

Veggie pasta broth recipe!

2 Mar

Chopstick here!

I recently made a vegetable soup out of all the things vegetables that were due to go off this week – bizarrely, it tasted awesome. I started off this blog with the intention of giving some healthy advice and recipes and so forth, but university got in the way. For students, however, this would be an excellent idea – it’s cheap, and you get a bunch of servings out of it. To keep, simply cling-film in a bowl or put it in an airtight box and leave in the fridge. Here’s my recipe below!


You can use whatever ingredients you like, but these are the ones I used:


  • 1 cabbage
  • 5 small carrots
  • 175g of pasta
  • 2 potatoes
  • 1 whole broccoli
  • 2 small onions


  • 2 stock cubes and 500ml boiling water
  • 2 tsp of dried coriander
  • 2 tsp of garlic salt
  • 1 tbsp of dark soy sauce
  • 2 tbsp of cranberry sauce
  • 2 tbsp of flour
  • 2 tbsp of cooking sherry (optional)
  • Pepper


  • 2 x pans (preferably one large pan and an average-sized one)
  • Wooden spoon
  • Whisk
  • Peeler or knife



1. Prepare all your vegetables. If you’re not sure how to, then continue reading here. If you are, jump to step 2. For cabbage, peel all the leave off and cut out the stalks in the middle of each leaf. Once you’ve done that, cut your cabbage into thin strips. The carrots can be either peeled or left with the skins on and sliced into big (around 1.5cm) chunks. Peel your potatoes with the peeler or knife and cut it in half and then half again. If you’ve got big potatoes, you might want to cut your half-halves in half again. For broccoli, cut all the little heads off and remove the enormous stalk. Dice your onions. Don’t know how? Watch this video.

2. Fill your larger pan to half-way with water and put it on to boil. By doing this, the vegetables you put in as it’s boiling will make the water level rise, so you don’t need loads. Whilst the big pan is on to boil, take the other and start making your sauce mix. Obviously if you wish, you can make pre-made gravy, but my version was banging. Melt your cranberry sauce in the pan and mix it with your stock, add the sherry and then the boiling water. Stir with a whisk, and add the flour.

When it’s all mixed in, turn your heat down to a simmer, and add the flavourings – coriander, garlic salt and pepper. Taste it – you never know what it’s going to taste like until you try it! Finally, add the soy. not only will it add a salty dimension to your recipe, but it’ll also darken your soup to a gravy-like colour. When finished, it won’t be an overly thick mixture, and will thin out once you add it to your other pan. Now, however, turn off the heat and return to your boiling water.

3. Add vegetables to the water. You should add them in the order that they’re going to cook first – potatos and carrots should go in for ten minutes, then add your pasta and broccoli to the mix and wait another five minutes, then add your onions and your cabbage. Once you add your onions and your cabbage, also add the previously-made flavouring from your other pan and stir with the big spoon.

Soup, glorious soup!

Soup, glorious soup! All rights to

4. Let it stew. Let it simmer for another 5-10 minutes, allowing your flavours to be soaked into the vegetables and everything to be nicely soft and tasty. You’ll know it’s cooked if you test your pasta – if the pasta isn’t crunchy and is at an edible state, then your vegetables will be cooked too!

5. Serve! I’d personally recommend eating it a warm, buttery baguette – butter may sound like a fatty product, but you have just made yourself a healthy vegetable soup and you need to balance it out.

Enjoy! CS. x


20 Feb

Chopstick here!

I’m full of good intentions. I intend to lose weight, I intend to be on top of my work, I intend to be a wonderful girlfriend and an excellent mate. All of these things seem to have gone to pot in the course of the last few weeks.

  1. I feel really shitty about my appearance at the minute. My hair looks like crap (frizzy as  anything because I bleached my hair to a crisp a little while ago), my skin’s in an awful condition (because I’m smoking too much and living off sugar) and my weight is, shall we say, too much for my liking. Overall, I feel rubbish. As a result, my diet’s gone completely to pot, because I’m starting to eat just for the sake of it. This, as a response, makes me feel bad about myself, which in turn, leads to…
  2. The progressive decline of my working standards. I’m not sure why, but for some reason both Chunks and I have hit a very large, very academically-retentive wall. The motivation for work has died away all my coursework is essentially complete up to this point (meaning that I can’t be bothered to do anything else). I wanted to volunteer for Siren but my part-time job keeps interfering and I need the money. It’s an absolute nightmare.
  3. I don’t need to tell you that I’ve been a rubbish girl/friend recently, because I haven’t been. But still, the above two are dragging me down.

I was hoping writing this list-esque blog post would motivate me to do something (as lists often do), but instead, it’s left me wanting to curl up on the sofa and eat lots of biscuits. Any suggestions for how to get out of this funk?

Take care, CS. x